Show me your cold emails, I'll help make them better
Shared by sole-fields · 261d ago · 32 comments

Just want to contribute more to the community! Can't say I'm the best per se, but definitely down to try and help.

A Pioneer did something similar today, felt inspired: https://twitter.com/stanrym/status/1369981467409924098

kendsouza · 258d ago

Let me know what you think. Thanks!

"Hi ,
 
My name is Ken, and I know you are busy, so I'll keep this quick. 
 
We recently launched a new cloud-based HOA management system that has all the features for managing your HOA on ONE single platform.
 
And the cost is just $399 per year for all features and for unlimited units.
 
Check out the many features and signup at www.runhoa.com for a 30 day free trial. No Credit Card required.

If you have questions, please do not hesitate to contact us.  

Stay safe and healthy!
 
Best,
Ken"

sole-fields · 257d ago

Nice! One really easy thing to take care of is just how much of the page it takes up. Get it down to 2 lines, if possible. And overall, the tone smacks of advertisement. More personal and casual the better. Here would be my takes!

"Hi <>,

I work for Runhoa (link: http://www.runhoa.com/). We offer an all-in-one HOA management platform at a heavily discounted market rate of $399 per year. Would love to connect and hear more about what issues you're facing with current solutions – our team of engineers ready to build your perfect product.

Best,
Ken"

OR

"Hi <>,

I work for Runhoa (link: http://www.runhoa.com/), a new, all-in-one HOA management platform. We .

Would love to connect.

Best,
Ken

[Your information]"

kendsouza · 257d ago

Hey, that is great! You really cut it down to size. I am going to use the first one. I would not have been able to come up with that as my boxed mind always want to tell a lot:). And it always helps to get someone's perpective to understand why brevity helps. Thanks a lot!

sole-fields · 257d ago

Awesome! Glad to be of help. :)

andrew-miit.co · 261d ago

Roast me!

"My name is Andrew, and my startup Miit.co is a social platform that is helping to solve the social isolation crisis by using algorithms to match you with people the way Facebook matches you with ads.

In the two months since our public launch we have over 200 users and our WAU have grown 238% in the past month.

Before Miit I was head of sales and spent almost 20 years managing high performance teams. I would love to get your feedback on our deck if you have 5min to look it over?"

Also on the theme: https://twitter.com/AbhishekLpd/status/1370165174959759361

sole-fields · 261d ago

Again, just another take. Yours is solid, but that first sentence is a bit circuitous. Rewrite below focuses mostly there. Is this going to investors?

"Hello Name, [I generally go with an exclamation here, but... up to you and your vibe]

I'm building Miit (link to: http://miit.co/), Tinder for friendship. We launched in January, have over 200 dedicated users, and are growing [40%] weekly. [We may be in a position to raise capital this summer and are starting to build those relationships now.]

Before Miit, I ran sales at [x]. [Something about my engineering co-founder, copied here?] I'd love to connect, if you have a few minutes. Linked below is our deck."

Lmk what you think.

andrew-miit.co · 261d ago

I like it. Will trial it for the next 50 and let you know how it goes. Thanks!

sole-fields · 260d ago

Awesome. Will be curious to see how it goes. Cheers!

Sal · 261d ago

That Jason clip is just golden. Thanks!

jameel · 249d ago

Thank you for doing this:)

Hi Jake,

Jameel here. Formerly @ 1st Btn, 1st Marines. I’m writing to follow up on our plan to include you as a guest speaker at the veterans' hackathon. We confirmed the Co-Founder of Twitch, but our veterans want you to drop in instead. They look forward to meeting you, even if you stopped by for 60 seconds! Just say the word and we can send out a calendar invite for the 4th of April and get your snacks and refreshments covered through a food delivery platform of your choice.

Let us know if you’re available that weekend so we can stay tuned for any changes.
Our hackathon is sponsored by Operation Code and it would be a towering sense of honor if you dropped by.

Cheers,
Jameel Matin
Founder @ https://fallin.today/

sole-fields · 248d ago

This is an interesting one! You've already connected with this person? What back and forths have you had thus far? And have you already sent the above message?

jameel · 66d ago

Hi @sole-fields, I could use some help with cold emails again if you're available. Could I compensate you for your time this time around? jameel@fallin.today

sole-fields · 66d ago

Happy to help! no comp needed... post here!

jameel · 60d ago

How does this sound with a new email chain.

I'm Jameel, the founder of Fall In. I was also a Partner at GrowthTeam with Chris Sheng, building growth strategies for our clients. This November, I'm hosting a growth hacking workshop during a veterans' hackathon, and I'd love to have you as a guest speaker. Would you be interested in a 15-minute guest-speaking slot? We have perhaps one of the most uniquely skilled service-minded participants in our hackathon, and I'd love to chat sometime next week about time and availability. Here's a link to schedule a meet.

sole-fields · 60d ago

I'm Jameel, the founder of Fall In. We host hackathons for veterans. Our next is coming up in November - would love to have you as a guest speaker! Last [April], we had [these cool people] come talk, each for 15m. Would do the same with you, focused on growth hacking, given your past _[at / doing xyz]_.

Let me know!

Jameel

jameel · 59d ago

My man! It worked, thank you!

sole-fields · 59d ago

Awesome! Love to hear it.

jameel · 49d ago

Last one! Tweet to Elon Musk. https://imgur.com/a/l5ZDKC9
He's obviously a big fish, so I want to go above and beyond. Any ideas to make the Tweet special?
Another angle is marketing: “Here are 10 veterans who want to work at Tesla! Would love it if you can drop in for 2 minutes and let them know what they need to do” (post pic of all 10 vets) etc

jameel · 66d ago

Amazing. Thanks!

So I connected with the founder of Skillbank in April '21, and they replied back with:

"Thanks for reaching out. We don't quite have the bandwidth right now to work with hackathons. I'm hoping in the future we can explore it again. Please keep us in the loop for your future events!"

----
I sent a reply last week in the same email thread, subj line: I would like to change the world w/you:
Jameel here from Fall In. I wanted to loop you in for our upcoming veterans Hackathon in November. We aim to register ~200 veterans, a similar count to our previous one in April, where we had the Co-Founder of Twitch and Medal of Honor recipient Florent Groberg address our attendees.

I'd love to show you our showroom we set up on FrameVR and how Skillbank can fit into our next event. Do you have time for a brief call next week?

In the meantime, check out our Spring '21 winners and guest videos @ http://fallin.today/

----
They read it a few times, and haven't replied.

jameel · 66d ago

From FaceBook:
"September would be great. Thank you!"

I sent a reply last week in the same email thread, subj line: I would like to change the world w/you:
Jameel here from Fall In. I wanted to loop you in on our upcoming veterans' Hackathon on November 5-7th. We aim to register ~200 veterans, a similar count to our previous one in April, where we had the Co-Founder of Twitch and Medal of Honor recipient Florent Groberg address our attendees. We'd love to have Facebook represented also. We expect it could be a wise recruiting channel for you as well.

I'd love to show you the winners gallery we set up on FrameVR and how Facebook can fit into our next event. Do you have time for a brief call this week or next?

In the meantime, check out our Spring '21 winners and guest speeches @ http://fallin.today/

---
read twice / no response

sole-fields · 66d ago

What is "September would be great." in response to?

jameel · 66d ago

From FB:
"Thanks Jameel. Unfortunately our budget and roadmap is full for 2020 but I’ll happily share this with our Veterans community. Good luck with the event!."

------
My reply:
No worries. By the way, when do you think would be a good timeframe to circle back for our future events?

------
FB's reply:
"September would be great. Thank you!"

jameel · 247d ago

We connected the 1st time over a Tweet - https://twitter.com/JakeWoodTR/status/1356708146115317762?s=20

The copy I shared was my 3rd cold email to him. No response.

This is the 4th email I'm planning to send:
"Hey Jake - Jameel here from Fall In. Promise this is my last email. I’m excited to share one of the veterans we confirmed to attend, Florent Groberg - Medal of Honor Recipient, will be dropping by Fall In on April 2nd @ 4 PM PST. We’d love it if you would stop by and hear what he has to say. Thanks again for your time."

My first email:
"My name is Jameel and I am a USMC veteran and the founder of a company called Fall In. We host remote veteran hackathons, and since you liked our hackathon Tweet, would you be interested in being our keynote judge on April 4th? We think this is an event veterans will never forget.

Let me know if this sounds interesting to you and if you’d like more information."

Appreciate your help on this!

sole-fields · 247d ago

Okay interesting. If you have a service like Mixmax, you'll be able to tell if he's even reading the emails. That'd be my first suggestion, because the quality of your messages is pretty solid. One option you could consider is a new email thread:

Subject line: "Sharks with lasers"

Hey Jake!

I work for Fall In (link); we connected briefly on Twitter last month. Next Friday, we're hosting a remote hackathon for veterans. We'd be thrilled to have you as a guest judge alongside Medal of Honor Recipient, Florent Groberg. Wouldn't take more than 30 minutes of your time and should be a lot of fun.

Happy to follow up with more details!

Best,
Jameel

jameel · 247d ago

Love it!

P.S you're invited as well:)

ifedayoadesiyan · 257d ago

are you for real?

sole-fields · 257d ago

R u for real?

Klog · 261d ago

Haven't had much success with this template. Lmk

"Dear hiring manager,

My name is Kenneth. I am 21 years old studying quantitative data science with a concentration in computer science.

I'm writing to you to see if you have any internship programs? I love your mission statement and company culture of working as a family and I think that I would fit in well. I'm a quick learner and a hard worker.

My resume is attached along with a maze solver I made as a capstone project for my CS105: Object Oriented programming class in Java.

Kenneth
[phone number]
Barnard College
Third Honor Group

"Be excellent."

sole-fields · 261d ago

Klog! This needs work.

"Dear [actual name],

I graduate with a CS degree from Barnard College this summer. (Excited for Zoom University to become Zoom-from-home.) [Something personal:] I've been following Pioneer for a while, even joined the Tournament in early 2020. I made it to the global top 10 for a side project with my friends. We were building a Terminal-based social network for developers (intriguing in concept, though ultimately unusable). Really enjoyed the product and community.

I'd be thrilled to help find the next 10,000 great founders around the world. Attached is my resume.

Best,
Kenneth"

NFT-gal · 261d ago

Interested to see outcomes here. I've certainly received my fair share of bombs. Lots of people who apply for jobs just... just... I mean. Here's one, redacted name etc of course. If no one else has a good, live example to work with, would be just be curious to see how you'd spin...

"To whom has the pleasure,

I submit for your considerations my resume regarding your opening position for a fullstack engineer.

I have 2 months of experience working in Ruby on Rails. 6 months of experience working with NodeJS backend services. 3 years and 5 months working on Elixir systems.

I love to interact with people and am very sociable.

Truely,
[Name]"

sole-fields · 260d ago

I mean. This is just... brutal ha.

"I love to interact with people and am very sociable."

Not enough info here I can use to rewrite lol.

NFT-gal · 260d ago

Right? haha --
good ones above